It was an extremely hard day. Those proverbial mile markers are always difficult because they always seem impossible. Each Monday evening and Tuesday morning, I think to myself-- 'There's no way it's only been a week!'
 |
| the weekend before 18 weeks |
I usually wake up really sad and really tired. But then, as the morning trucks on and my responsibilities take priority, my mind is able to shift away from the disappointment and move toward all that I have around me. All the wonderful blessings I have in being a wife, and a mother, and a working woman! I went back to work a week later and the first day- I really hated it. But the next day, I really loved it. Each time I get the chance to tell my story, I take more ownership of it, I remember another tiny detail, and I learn something about myself.
I am so much stronger than I realized, but I need a Savior so much more than I realized.
(In hindsight, if you're a mother who's suffered loss recently, a week wasn't long enough. I don't know the amount of time that would've been enough. I just think I could've taken a few more days to process before jumping back into my routine. It's impossible to know what to do when you're so blindsided and opinions are more than plentiful.)
I've been reminiscing a lot this week too. Mostly about the day June was born, and how happy and proud we were.
I can't wait to do that again. And I'm slowly coming to the realization that it's gonna be just a little later than February 12th. And when I wrap my mind around that momentarily everyday, I'll be honest- I get angry. It just stinks. I so wanted my babies to be 20 months apart. I wanted them to be babies together. I had it all mapped out in my mind, all dreamed up.
And now, I just don't know what's gonna happen.
But you know what? That's okay. And I'm not okay yet, but I'm gonna be okay.
Little by little, minute by minute.
I'll put one foot in front of the other and I'll live each day.
And I'll drink in the incredible moments of having one more day of just me and June.
I'll mentally journal each new word she says and each new look she gives.
I couldn't have done this without her. I just couldn't have.
I'm enjoying these days of her being the center of my attention and not having to share me.
In the beginning of this process, I'll be honest, it was easier for me to be tender and hopeful.
Everyday lately, I fight with my heart and its urge to become callused and hopeless and fearful.
I'm not in shock anymore, but I don't know what that thing is gonna be that ultimately brings that healing. And I know it'll be a process.
I'm still so Thankful for so so many things.
I'm thankful that I had such amazing patient care from my OB and the nurses in
L&D at University Hospital.
I'm thankful that I got to know my precious son for 5 months,
and in a strange way, I'm glad there were never any warning signs. I'm glad I got to enjoy holding him close and not worry.
I'm thankful for the support from our friends and family.
I'm thankful for those friends that have braved the awkward, uncomfortable conversations to let me process aloud and who stuck with me even when the weeks had passed.
Most of all, I'm thankful that our story has touched thousands of lives. It is what gets me through the toughest days.
“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. They that go forth weeping bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
I am trusting Him with my future. I will plant my seeds of Hope, and I will NOT NOT NOT dig them up. I will leave them in the cold ground and I will believe that they will come to fruition.
"Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Thank you all so so much for truly bearing this burden with us.
I cherish the relationships that I have gained and the older ones that have grown deeper through this process.
I promise I won't always write from this phase. Stick with me.
Love You all so much!
Brittany
Love you too, Brittany!
ReplyDelete